Music for a Sleepless Night

Have you ever experienced a sleepless night? The kind where emotions are so strong and ugly that sleep flees and hides really well? And the harder you try to tempt it back, the more stubbornly it hides. And sometimes an entire series of these nights makes you wonder why you even try to sleep when the sun goes down, even though logically that’s when sleep should feel the most natural.

I wish I could say I’d never met a night like that. But, unfortunately, those nights are way too common in my life. A few years ago, while sleeping in a private room (for the price of a shared, because Provo summers are the BEST), I remember turning to YouTube on my sleepless nights and listening to the same one or two songs until I started to feel at peace and able to fall asleep. I don’t do that very often any more, but last night I returned to a few old favorites and again found peace as I listened to each song multiple times.

I’m grateful for beautiful, uplifting music. I’m grateful for the combination of hope-inspiring lyrics and soul-soothing harmony. Today, particularly, I’m grateful for the incredible Mormon Tabernacle Choir and for the ability to feel God’s love and reassurance as I listen to their music. And, as much as I often hate the effect smartphones are having on society, I’m grateful for my phone, YouTube, and data which allowed me to listen to these recordings in the middle of the night.

For anyone feeling weary or struggling to hold on, here’s two songs that brought me peace on my sleepless night. I hope you can find peace and courage in them, too.

If the Way Be Full of Trial, Weary Not

Hold On, from The Secret Garden

A Dad, a Grandma, and a Hundred New Cousins

Several months ago while spending a weekend at our new house, I looked around at some of the quaint, old details of our 1940s home and thought, "My Grandma Argie would love this house. I would love for her to come visit us and see it!" But Grandma lives in Utah and cares for my 93 year old grandpa and I knew the odds of her coming to visit were pretty slim.

A couple Sundays ago, as I sat in church thinking about my life, I thought about my dad and wished I had spent more time with him when we were in Utah this summer. It made me sad not knowing when I'd see him again and knowing it would probably be after our baby is born in December. That just didn't feel soon enough.

That Sunday night, I got a call from my dad and my Grandma Argie. They announced that Dad was coming to visit the next weekend and Grandma Argie might come, too. Though the circumstances that brought them to St. Louis were mournful, I couldn't suppress my own excitement that I'd be seeing family in less than a week. Later that night, I remembered my earlier thought from church and felt overwhelmed with gratitude that God had answered my unspoken prayer. Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways and blesses us with the secret desires of our hearts when we least expect it.

Dad and Grandma came to attend the funeral of my cousin, Loyce Huston. Atkin and I met Loyce only twice. The first time was at a family reunion back in May. The second time we visited her at the hospital after she had been diagnosed with stage four cancer. At that visit, we discovered that she had also moved recently and we now belonged to the same Latter-day Saint congregation! That felt like another of God's small miracles.

When we moved to St. Louis, we didn't realize we had cousins in this city. I think Grandma mentioned it, but I didn't understand until last May when my parents and Benjamin visited and our black O'Kelley cousins put on a family reunion just for us! We showed up and met all these people who share a grandpa with me. And despite cultural differences and backgrounds and never having met each other before, these people welcomed us into the family as if we'd been there all along!

I wasn't sure what to expect at Loyce's funeral, but it turned out to be an incredible experience. Family is an interesting thing. There is something special about just being related. Of course, we can always choose how we treat the people who share our ancestors. But when we choose to accept even distant relatives as family, there is an instant tie that can only be explained by the fact that we're related. I've felt this throughout my life at family gatherings with cousins and second cousins. My shyness as a kid at Hicken family reunions never stopped me from feeling a strong sense of belonging and family unity every time we gathered. I grew to love my ancestors as I listened to my grandma and her brothers tell humorous, sorrowful, and miraculous stories from the past. I've felt this special bond when I see cousins that I haven't seen for a long time and find that conversation comes easily despite our lack of ongoing communication. It's easy, because we're cousins. At least, that's how it seems to me.

What's different about my black O'Kelley cousins is that we come from completely different cultural backgrounds and the circumstances of our relationship are awful. I come from the privileged white daughter and they come through an abused slave. But somehow that tragic past and our differences don't get in the way of us being family. As I met cousin after cousin at the funeral and started piecing together the family tree, I was overwhelmed by the enthusiasm and love of my newly discovered cousins. I just felt like family. What did God know that I didn't when He guided us to move to St. Louis? Lots of things, including that St. Louis is where we have family.

Grandma spent 30 hours in St. Louis. I wish she had stayed longer, but I'm grateful for that one day. And I was right. She loved our house. Every room and detail delighted her and, in true Grandma style, she expressed her delight with the earnest eagerness of a Southern belle. She set a high standard of enthusiasm for everyone else who comes to visit.

We got four days with my dad. We could have kept him longer, too. I'm grateful for all he did for me and Atkin while he was here, from helping with dishes and weeding our garden (which is actually just weeds right now) to offering fatherly counsel and inspired, spiritual guidance. He is a great man and I'm thankful for his humility to act as an instrument in God's hands.

I know that Heavenly Father cares about the details and the big picture of our lives. Today in General Conference, Stanley G. Ellis taught me that hard is good. It humbles me, strengthens me, and teaches me. Hard is the constant in life and the variable is how I choose to react. That was a significant message for me to hear at a time when life feels hard every day. I also learned from President Dieter F. Uchtdorf that God gives strength to the weary. Last weekend, God gave strength to this weary daughter by sending two miraculous visitors and introducing me into a new, welcoming family. Here's a few pictures from our exciting weekend:

Some of the family at the funeral

My cousin, Joseph O'Kelley and the chart that
helped me start piecing things together.

Grandma was excited to point out that we share the same height genes.

Celebrating Benjamin's birthday with shakes (and a salad).
Those smiles are partly because of our shakes,
but mostly because of my dad.

Five Months of Pregnancy in One Post

One day it was April and I decided to start blogging again. Three months later, I still hadn't written another post. Partly I didn't write because I wasn't ready to publicly discuss the most life-changing, thought-consuming aspect of my life. But now I am. Here he is:

This little human is growing inside my tummy. He's been growing for approximately five months and is due to make his debut around December 2, 2017. He's currently kicking me, which is how I know he's excited to be here. We already love him dearly.

Here's part of the story of Baby Smedley, the third:

Two early miscarriages in 2016 (the first at five weeks and the second at six) slowed my initial excitement for baby number three. It's painful to start planning and dreaming and loving just to have it all torn away in a few weeks. But this time things felt different. This time, God had a different plan.

One part of that plan was yoga. Sometime in January, Atkin and I attended the temple. Sitting in the celestial room, I felt overwhelmed by all I could or should be doing to increase my happiness. All the tools I've been given to improve life just stressed me out because I knew I couldn't do them all so happiness must be out of reach. When I took the problem to Heavenly Father, he gently told me to do yoga. Every day. And that was all. I tried to add to the list of things I should do and he said, No. Just do yoga. So I did. And I loved it. On March 16, I woke up inexplicably tired and thought, "I'm pregnant!" As the weeks passed, my initial instinct proved correct. As I faced the possibility of losing another baby, I used yoga to remain calm. Beyond the mental and emotional benefits of yoga, I believe that lowering my stress allowed my body to focus on producing the hormones my baby needed to stick around longer than a few weeks. I'm not a doctor and I believe that partly I miscarried last year because the timing wasn't right. But I also believe that God knew yoga would help my body hold on to this baby during those first sensitive weeks.

Those first few weeks I remember expressing gratitude for every day I remained pregnant. I tried hard to trust God's plan for us and to enjoy each day he gave me with this tiny person. I remember pleading with God for this child's life and telling him how much we wanted him/her to come to our family. One day as I talked with God, I felt reminded that I could trust his plan for me and his plan for this child (who is more his than mine, anyway). I felt a reassurance that this child's mortal experience would be longer than our first two had. I clung to this reassurance in the moments I felt inadequate or terrified of doing something that would jeopardize the pregnancy. I remember having a couple vivid dreams in which I miscarried and waking up afraid to go to the bathroom in case the dream proved real. Those dreams were awful. With the fear of miscarriage as my nearly constant friend during the first few months, it took time to let myself feel truly excited for this baby. Yet, every time I chose to dismiss fear, I felt confident that we'd get to meet this one. Now we've seen him and he moves all the time and he has a bedroom and a few random things people have given us and he's starting to feel more and more real all the time!

There are many ways I see that the timing for a baby is incredibly better this year than it was last year. I love the resources we are finding in St. Louis that we wouldn't have had in Utah. I love that my best friend is six weeks more pregnant than me so we get to go through a lot of it together. I love that we just bought a house (another long story about God taking care of us) and get to start a family there! Atkin and I still struggle a lot with this life thing, but I think we're more ready for a baby than we would have been a year ago. And there's people I'm grateful to have met in the past year that I wouldn't have met if I already had a baby.

In conclusion, the last several months have been an emotion journey (not to mention all the physical adventures of pregnancy!) But God has not left me comfortless. I love feeling Baby Smedley move and I love even more when Atkin feels him move. I love doing this adventure with Atkin. I certainly haven't maintained my daily gratitude for pregnancy. Sometimes it's a lot easier to complain. But when I really think about it, I'll gladly take all the discomfort, pain, inconvenience, and emotional rollercoastering if it means we get this baby. I am excited and grateful to be his mom.

We'll be hanging three stockings in our new house this year. As long as we get the present that fits into that tiny sock, I don't think we'll mind if Santa doesn't bring anything else.

Let's Enjoy Life Again

It's time to revisit the blog. It's time to allow less murmurings into my journeyings. Most importantly, it's time to invite more gratitude into my imperfect life.

And it's probably been time for the last couple years. But hey, at least I'm doing it! Better late than never at all.

Life is hard. Sometimes I feel weary and and want to quit. Sometimes I wish I could return to the three months before my mission--the most perfect three months a girl could wish for. I knew then how perfect it was and I knew it was fleeting and I knew that life could never be that perfect again. I had no classes. I had no job. I had no financial worries. I had no worries about the future (my mission president would take care of that for the next 18 months). I had no worries about romance because I was leaving for a mission! And I had more friends than I had ever previously enjoyed.

I think that was the biggest thing. Despite my inability to make friends quickly, I'm definitely a people person. People make life meaningful for me. Relationships bring the greatest meaning to my life. So those three months before my mission, my life felt full of meaning! My heart had never loved so many people so deeply at one time. Just read some of my earliest blog posts and you will see that people made my life so good.

The other day I was thinking about blogging again. As the first step toward blogging, I opened my old blog and started reading old posts. I knew I would need to start a new blog if I wanted to write again. My life isn't the perfect, cheerful, upbeat life of my 21-year-old self. I murmur all the time! No, reading this blog was just about seeing if it would spark an interest to start blogging again. Probably my next blog would feature everything wrong with the world and how the world can/should fix it. (I have a lot of good ideas about solving the world's problems. And a lot of issues with our world. So it felt like a natural subject to tackle.)

As I read, I reminisced and longed for those simpler times. For those easier times. For those months when I felt I knew myself and understood myself. For those times when I felt loved by many and my heart loved deeply back. Reading those happy, heartfelt posts further convinced me that my current life belonged on a separate blog. Until my post entitled "Life" from February 5, 2012. That post reminded me that despite all the good, perfection didn't exist back then either. I still felt emotions we deem negative. I still struggled with feelings of self-worth and acceptance. However, practicing gratitude helped me overcome many moments that could have turned miserable and to choose enjoyment over endurance.

The post that convinced me my new blog posts belong on my original blog came at the end. My first ever post describes the purpose of my blog, which evidently did not include portraying a perfect life that I could never get back. I summed up my goal in the last paragraph of that post, as follows:

"Reminding myself and others the importance of gratitude. Focusing on the good. Noticing the simple joys of life. Journeying without murmuring. Showing how life can be enjoyed and not just endured. Sharing more quotes and more songs and more videos about why life is soooo good. Because there are so many reasons to be grateful and I have so many favorite things."

I think I can be that person again. I think I can find things to be grateful for. I think I can notice the simple joys of life. I think I can stop enduring and start enjoying. So here's to remembering how to have so many favorite things.

Adventures of a Missionary: London Temple Visitors' Centre/East Grinstead (Part 1)

24 September 2012
You'll never guess where I am today! I've been transferred to East Grinstead. And guess what's in East Grinstead. The London Temple and Visitors' Centre! That's right. I am now a visitors' centre sister. How crazy is that? I've always thought it would be so cool to serve in the visitors' centre, but when Elder Martins called to give us moves calls, I cried!!! I wanted to stay in Eastbourne so bad! But I think I kind of knew I'd be leaving, because I loved it so much and I felt I was starting to get too comfortable there. And missions aren't for getting comfortable. Missions are for stretching and learning and growing. It's funny that I wasn't even excited to go to the visitors' centre because I was so sad to leave Eastbourne. But then I started getting excited. And if I have to leave Eastbourne I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be! I'm so grateful to be serving here. It's only an hour from Eastbourne and I'm in the same stake. It's nice not moving far and I love being in this center of missionary and member activity. And I'll get to see all the people I know who come to the temple! That's one of the best parts.
I held a cute boy's hand yesterday. He's three and his name is Logan. The Elders from Brighton and Haywards Heath brought two families to the VC (Visitors' Centre) yesterday. We taught them about Jesus Christ, the temple, and how families can be together forever. It was such a marvelous experience. I loved seeing these families learning about the gospel and catching that glimpse of the joy that comes when we live the gospel and receive the wonderful ordinances and promises of the temple. When they first got there, Logan had just woken up and wouldn't talk to anyone. But after a while he warmed up and pretty soon we were best friends. When we went back into the theatre to watch a movie for the second time, he reached up and said, "Hold my hand." Then we sat by each other during the movie and he talked to me the whole time. It was so funny and cute. I think that will be one of my favorite things here at the visitors centre--seeing families and children. When this family first got to the visitor's centre and we played the Christus narrative for them, I was watching Logan's face and saw how intently he was listening and a couple times a big smile flashed across his face. This is a message and a feeling that resonates even with children and sometimes children understand it even better.

8 October 2012
I can't remember how much I've told you about serving at the visitors' centre, but I think you've gotten the general idea that I love it here. As Sister Rodrigues (my companion from Portugal) puts it, serving in the visitors' centre is "my seaside." I just feel I was made for this job. And my companions (Sister Rodrigues and Sister Cabrera). I just can't say enough about them. I feel we've been friends so much longer than three weeks. And often I find myself thinking or praying for them as my roommates--and then I have to correct myself and call them my companions. Because they feel like my roommates and my friends, not just my companions. And all of this is just me leading up to say that I'm leaving the visitors' centre on Wednesday...(dramatic pause for us all to shed a few tears)....I knew it was too good here to last long.
After General Conference Saturday night (Saturday morning for all you Utahns), President asked me, "How's your French?" So I said Bonjour and Je m'appelle Soeur Reneer and then he said something about my companion and I was so confused thinking my companions are Chilean and Portuguese, not French. What was he talking about?! Then he went on to tell me that we're getting a new sister from France on Wednesday and I'll be training her and we'll be going back to Hastings (since it's a big flat) for two and a half weeks and then who knows where after that. I tried not to cry, but I've turned into such a big baby!!! My younger self would be ashamed. But with so many emotions you just can't hold it in! I'm so very, very sad to be leaving my companions. We have way too much fun together and they make me feel loved and beautiful and happy. I'll miss the other vistors' centre missionaries who are like a family and I've loved so much being privileged to see miracles taking place in the visitor's centre as missionaries and members bring their friends and investigators to learn more about the gospel and about temples. This is such a special place. Not to mention that it'll be so weird going back to Hastings. But hopefully it'll be a good weird.
This week a cute little family from Bulgaria came to the temple. They had a 6 year old boy and a little girl under 1. The little girl still spoke her own language anyway, so I could communicate with her just fine, but the little boy only spoke this crazy language called Bulgarian. He was playing with a toy car and I went to join him. Despite language barriers we both had a great time. We both understood car noises and motions and when he started chatting to me in Bulgarian I just smiled. They were both super cute and I loved how I could connect with both of them despite the fact we couldn't understand each other's language. I will miss seeing so many families. Family is so important.

15 October 2012
SURPRISE!!! I'm still at the visitors' centre!!!!! Wednesday morning I was half-way packed and President called to say, "Just kidding, you're staying in East Grinstead." Missions are rough. As soon as you set expectations and make plans Heavenly Father adjusts them, reminding us that we aren't in charge, He is. As much as I love East Grinstead, it was hard for me to suddenly shift gears and rethink the next couple weeks. But I am SOOO grateful to still be here and, looking back, I'm also grateful that I thought I was going back to Hastings. I learned a lot from the time I was told I was leaving to the time I was told I was staying. Plus, we had lots of fun thinking they were my last moments in East Grinstead :)  I feel like Heavenly Father was just testing my willingness and I'm grateful that I got to learn that I am willing to go wherever Heavenly Father chooses to send me and to go cheerfully. I'm grateful that once He got my willing heart He allowed me to stay here with people I have already come to love.

29 October 2012
I'M STAYING AT THE TEMPLE!!!!!! yippee! I am in a tri with Sister Yapi and Sister Cabrera. Sister Rodrigues has gone to the Island of Jersey where there are lots of Portuguese people and she is going to do so much good there, but I miss her terribly. I'm sad she is gone, but that seems to be what missions are secretly all about. Love 'em and leave 'em. It hurts every time.

5 November 2012
I get to play the piano for our firesides and events here which is really nice--and it's one reason they are glad I am still here. I'm grateful I can play the piano because it means I at least have one thing going for me as a missionary. And honestly I feel like playing the piano is a blessing to me more than for whoever I'm playing for. Moral of the story: Practice The Piano!!!!! Even the prophet thinks it's a good idea. (See Welcome to Conference)

12 November 2012
I'm driving in England!!!!! When I first got here I said I never wanted to drive in England. How scary! Narrow roads where they drive on the wrong side. But a couple of weeks ago when I realized I might have the chance to start driving here, I started getting excited. So this week Sister Carpenter took me out to drive and I passed the Sister Carpenter driving test. And now I'm an official driver of an official mission car which we use for official purposes like driving to the official visitors' centre or to the official grocery story or our official flat. It's a little scary but not nearly as bad as it would've been 7 months ago. And it's also quite fun :) I've gotten rather used to being on the left side and it'll be weird to go back to the right.
Saturdays at the VC are almost always busy and crazy and always exhausting. This Saturday we had some children who were waiting for their parents to go through the temple so they could all go in and be sealed! That was exciting. The kids were really cute, even if they were a bit crazy. We pulled out some coloring pages and I got to color with them a bit. Sometimes I am still secretly a child on the inside. Unfortunately, it's not too much of a secret. My companions are very familiar with the fact. So you might think that I'm in England being a responsible, mature adult missionary, but actually I'm just playing and coloring with children.
I'm exciting to start seeing this great army of sister missionaries coming onto the field. But will you do them a favor and tell them that serving a mission is not all flowers and fun? Remind them that it's hard work and that means it's hard and you have to work. But it's rewarding and you learn so much and we are blessed for the sacrifices we make. Serving a mission is such a great decision, but it's NOT signing up for an 18 month holiday. It's more like signing up for a 24/7 job that you're doing for free--but with the Lord's help and with the Lord's blessings. And with a bit of fun thrown in there, too, sometimes.

19 November 2012
Elder Herbertson (from the Quorum of the Seventy) visited our ward yesterday. And he had a fantastic Scottish accent. Thank you, Haley G, for introducing me to the charm of Scottish accents. It was awesome. But even more awesome than his accent, was the spirit he brought as he brought this ward a massive spiritual feast that we all needed. His talk in sacrament meeting and his lesson to the combined Priesthood/Relief Society were amazing. The whole ward just seemed happier by the time church was over--and the lovely sun outside added to the general joyful atmosphere :) We appreciate the sun here in England. I was so grateful for Elder Herbertson's visit. I believe he was the answer to many, many prayers.
We had Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. A real, American Thanksgiving dinner! We ate with all the visitor's centre and mission office missionaries (five sisters, two elders, four couples, and two senior sisters). Twelve Americans, two French, one Chilean, and two Canadians--wearing Canadian shirts. It was wonderful. Especially the pumpkin pie :)

Adventures of a Missionary: Eastbourne

2 July 2012
Eastbourne is lovely. I love being here so much. I've heard missions go by like a dream. It's true. Even as I'm living it, it feels like a dream. But the dream has gotten so much better since coming to Eastbourne. Everyday I discover something new to love. When I first found out that Sister Sebald was staying and that I was leaving Hastings, I felt terrified. I was getting comfortable with the people and places in Hastings and the idea of leaving felt so scary. Then I felt sad. I didn't want to leave these people. But I remembered that as I had been anticipating moves calls, my only prayer had been that I'd be able to accept the Lord's will no matter what that was. As I started packing I kept thinking, "I'll go where you want me to go" and soon I was feeling excited. It felt good to pack everything up and the idea of a fresh new start was appealing. And I knew that whatever was about to happen was God's will.
So now let me tell you a few reasons why Eastbourne is so wonderful.
We live with a lovely elderly member, Sister Joyce Walker. She is wonderful. She often makes us dinner when we don't have a dinner appointment and there are always fresh strawberries from her garden which are the BEST strawberries I have ever tasted. We live in an adorable little two story house with a wonderful spirit always there. And guess what else? She has a piano!!!!! Can life really get better than Eastbourne?! I have my doubts. We play the piano for companionship study and we've spent some time playing and singing with Sister Walker which I know she really enjoys. Last night I played some duets with her that she hasn't played for a long time. It was so fun and I loved seeing how happy it made her. I just can't believe how much Heavenly Father is blessing me this transfer.
For exercise in the mornings we play tennis or go to this outdoor gym near our home. The outdoor gym is really cool and it's next to a playground with swings. It's so nice to get out of the house shortly after waking up and do something fun and enjoy the beautiful morning instead of just doing something in the flat. It helps me wake up and get excited for the day.
The other night I had a dream that we were running around an airport in a hurry to get somewhere and I ran into Haley G! It was marvelous. I don't remember where she was going though. Somewhere cool, like Africa maybe. Then we couldn't find someone to give us a lift (that's British for ride) so President Monson was going to drive us to wherever we needed to go. It was exciting.

13 August 2012
Guess what I did last night!!! You'll all be so jealous :) I watched fireworks!!!!! We were getting ready for bed when we heard the booming so we turned off the lights and watched a wonderful fireworks show celebrating the end of Airbourne and the Olympics. It was marvelous. And I thought of you all watching the Alpine Day's fireworks this weekend....and then I remembered and thought of you NOT watching the Alpine Day's fireworks this weekend and added that to my list of reasons why God sent me to Eastbourne at this time. He knew this was the weekend I needed to watch fireworks. Tender mercies :)
If you want to imagine my life in England, you can picture lots and lots of knocking. The doors here aren't usually as interesting as the ones in Hastings. But the people behind the doors-and on the streets-aren't usually as crazy as the people in Hasting were. Which is really nice. We meet all sorts of people.
Funny story! I think this was last week. This lady answered the door and after a few snarky comments said, referring to the guy on the couch behind her, "He's an atheist....and I'm Mormon. So we're not interested." Then she shut the door before we could respond. haha! I laughed out loud and Sister Naseem told me not to. Then she said, "It sounded like she said, 'I'm Mormon.'" When I told her that's indeed what she said, she laughed out loud too. We probably should have knocked again and called her out on it. I wish she'd given us more time to respond.

10 September 2012
Sometimes we talk to lovely people who don't want to hear about our message, but we connect in our mutual faith in and love for Jesus Christ. I've had some great experiences with people who will never turn into investigators, but who have brightened our day and our hope as they share with us what Christ means to them. We met one lady from New Zealand on the street and talked for a long time. She told us about her missionary experiences in Zimbabwe or somewhere. She was so lovely and wanted to see us again the next day, but we were busy. It was amazing for me to see how much we all loved each other after talking for maybe half an hour. We may never see her again, but we'll always remember that experience and I'm sure she will too and we'll all remember that love we felt for each other. That is the love of Christ! It's amazing. She actually called us about a week later and we missed her call but she left us a wonderful message and hopefully she will call again.
This kind of experience is interesting compared to an experience we had yesterday with a lady when we were knocking who seemed nice enough but there was no light in her eyes. She expressed a deep belief in God and Jesus Christ, but it wasn't  like that sincere faith of the lady from New Zealand. She wouldn't let us tell her the truth about Mormons because she was certain some BBC documentary she watched had told her all she needed to know (something about mass weddings and our leader being a billionaire and other crazy stuff). She new BBC wouldn't lie and that we were obviously brain-washed, but it's okay because we feel we're doing the right thing so at least it's making us happy. That was not the pure love of Christ coming out. I hope we never give people the impression that we think their beliefs are stupid or that they are ignorant for what they believe. I hope they can see and feel that love of Christ and recognize that we want to add to their faith and not take away from it in any way.

17 September 2012
I don't have very much time today because 1) it's transfers this week so we only have an hour for emailing today and 2) this funny old man next to me has been having some difficulty figuring out printing/emailing so I've been helping him a bit. He's publishing a book and said he'll have to put my name down at the bottom for helping him. But he forgot to get my name....

I'll try to write as fast as my little fingers can go!

You asked about the lady from New Zealand. We actually saw her again last Monday night in town! It was so great to see her again. We don't have time to see her because she talks a LOT and she isn't investigator material--she's an extremely strong Seventh Day Adventist. But she is lovely. We asked if there was anything we could do for her and she said just pray for her--pray that she'll win the lottery :) Then she said if she wins the lottery that she'll fly us both out to New Zealand for a visit! So pray that she'll win the lottery :)

That other lady I was telling you about--the one without the light in her eyes--we found out that she was just completely confused with her facts. I asked some members if they had ever heard of the crazy stuff she was telling us about, because it was things I'd never heard of and it's easier to clear confusions when you at least understand where they are coming from. Come to find out, she was confusing us for the Moonies which are completely different, but I know this isn't the first time people have confused Mormons and moonies. So if we ever see her again we'll be sure to clear that up.

One funny story from this week is from last night. We went to a fireside at the Visitors' Centre with some investigators, less actives, and members. President and Sister Millar were the speakers and it was fantastic. Before it started I was talking to some missionaries when I turned around to find President walking past. He stopped and said "You look a lot taller in your picture!" Haha! Then he told Sister Naseem that she looks shorter in her picture. So he was picturing our companionship with her short and me tall when in actuality we're both short--and of course I'm shorter. It was really funny. The Millars are wonderful. I'm grateful to be serving with them. And it was so nice to visit the temple grounds! I feel so blessed to be so near the temple and for each opportunity I have to visit.

Adventures of a Missionary: Hastings

30 April 2012

On Friday I rode on the top level of a double-decker bus! It was so much fun. I felt like I was on a roller coaster. It was sooo bumpy and crazy. And the view was phenomenal! We could see out above the houses and there was a clear view in front and I just felt on top of the world. I am a fan of double-deckers.

I broke a woman's doorbell yesterday. We rang and as we waited we were talking about how obnoxious her doorbell was. It just kept going and sounded terrible. After a while, this grumpy lady in a bathrobe opened the door, didn't want to hear what we had to say and demanded, "What did you do to my doorbell?" I felt so bad. She probably thought we were out there just pushing it over and over again or something. And we just thought she had an annoying doorbell. It was unfortunate, but kind of funny at the same time--I don't think she saw the humor, though.

One thing I am learning is to rely more fully on my Heavenly Father for everything. That's one of those lessons I've been pushed into as He's torn me away from everything familiar and everyone I love. When I say something negative, there's no Haley around to remind me that life's great and that there's no reason to be down. When I'm lonely, there's no Mallory to give me big hugs and paint my nails and tell me she hates me and loves me in the same sentence. When I'm bored, there's no Bryan to sing with me and go on adventures with me. When my heart hurts, there's no Sarah to talk to and to figure things out with. When I'm discouraged, there's no Katie to cheer me up and make me happy. And this list could go on and on. I've always turned to God when I'm going through something hard, but I've also realized how much I relied on friends and people to help me stay happy. Adjusting to the difficulties of missionary work without one of my best friends here to help me along and encourage me has been hard. I've had to rely on my own strength which is only enough when I rely on the strength of the Lord. I've thought about that footsteps in the sand poem recently, because I feel like there have been many moments in the past month where I've felt alone, where I've felt that even God has left me and that I'm struggling through this on my own. But looking back, I can see that, even in those darkest moments, I wasn't alone. He's been carrying me the whole time. And as I keep trying and keep enduring and just doing what I can, He will lift me higher and make much more of me than I could ever make of myself. He is molding me into the missionary He wants me to be. And He is molding me into the person He knows I can be.

10 May 2012
Yesterday we went finding and it was so fun. People seemed oddly friendly and nice. No one wanted to talk to us long, but they were all very nice about it. It was even raining outside and people were still being nice! It was so beautiful. We knocked this road that had a little section called Lover's Lane (original?) and it was so picturesque. There were tall walls on either side that enclosed lovely gardens (probably enchanted) and it was so rainy and foggy and green and gorgeous and I just felt like I was in England--oh, wait. I am! If I weren't a missionary, I'd describe the world yesterday as absolutely romantic! In an Anne of Green Gables kind of a way. Then we knocked a series of houses with long sidewalks leading from their gates to the doors and each garden had a different array of beautiful flowers. Everything just felt magical. It starting raining really hard and we got soaked and came home looking like mops. But that's missionary work. That's how important this message is. Rain or shine or wind or mud these people need to know! Because the gospel is true and it changes lives. I just wish everyone could understand that!
One thing I'm learning over and over again is that the Lord is always carrying us. When we choose to do things His way, it doesn't mean that it will be easy, but it means that we will be able to succeed and accomplish whatever he requires of us. We aren't meant to see the end from the beginning. We are here to live on faith. And when we exercise faith, God will give us glimpses of the end--just enough to encourage us, comfort us, and keep us moving forward. I'm so grateful for the gospel. I'm grateful for my Savior. I'm grateful that God loves me so much and knows me so perfectly that He allows me to be cut down so that I can become so much more. I love the talk from a couple conferences ago where he told about being the gardener who cut down his currant bush so that the currant bush could then bloom more fully and then compared that to how sometimes God, as our gardener, cuts us down but He knows why and He knows what's best for us and He sees our full potential and He loves us so much that He wants us to get there and if we allow Him to mold us and cut us and lift us, He will make so much more out of our lives than we could ever make on our own. See The Will of God

11 June 2012
One funny story of the week. So there are lots of crazy people in Hastings. It sure keeps life interesting. Recently we've been working on expectation as a district--to expect people to keep commitments, to expect people to be at home, to expect to find new investigators, etc--and it's been amazing how it works. I promise these two thoughts will come together. A couple days ago, we experienced a few crazy people. After talking to another man on the street who looked normal and turned out to be weird, I said to Sister Sebald, "I'm going to stop expecting to meet crazy people. I expect that we won't see any more crazy people today. Only people that want to hear about the gospel!" At that moment, a car drove past and this little girl looked out the window and made a crazy face at us. It was so funny! So much for those expectations! I guess I should just accept that there are crazy people in Hastings and that they aren't going away any time soon.